I'll Never Tell
by Lymie Eros
Summary: Logan wakes up next to the last person he ever expected. Beautifully and Fantastically OOC. LoVe fans should STAY AWAY!


Disclaimer: Veronica Mars and all its characters, setting, etc belong to Rob Thomas, The CW, et al. I am making absolutely NO PROFIT off of the use of these characters, except for the profit that I feel in my soul at being a terrible person with a sick mind. Which isn't really profit at all, now, is it?

Warning: I have a seriously twisted mind. I hope you enjoy the fruits of my sick, sick labors. The final "twist" in the last paragraph is especially awful. And yes, I consider this to be a humor fic. I think it's kind of funny, in an omg-that-didn't-really-happen-did-it?!?!?!? kind of way, don't you?

LoVe fans should STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY!!

**I'll Never Tell**

By Lymie Eros

The sunlight filtered in through the windows of Logan Echolls' suite at the Neptune Grand, highlighting the pair that lay quietly in the large bed. Each figure seemed about as far apart from the other as humanly possible without falling off the vast edge of the wide expanse of furniture; such a position would surely seem reasonable to any outsider with knowledge of what had transpired the night before.

"So, uh …" began Logan Echolls, breaking the awkward silence that lay between them even though he was very much unsure as to exactly what one was supposed to say when one found oneself in a situation like _this_. "Do you need a ride home … or something?"

"No," his companion replied, just as perturbed and uncomfortable with the situation as Logan. "I can get home okay. … Thanks for the offer, though."

The awkward silence resumed, and continued to permeate the entire room.

"Look," Logan said after several minutes, sitting up in bed so that the sheets pooled around his waste, leaving his well-toned chest bare and allowing the light streaming through the window to caress his abs like a lover's kiss. "I know that neither one of us wants to deal with this right now. But after what happened last night, we _have_ to. Neither of us wanted this, right?" His companion gave a silent nod of agreement. "Well, I don't know about you, but last night was …" he searched for a single word that could explain what he was feeling in this moment. "... it was _fantastic_. I've never felt like that before."

His companion stared at him, concerned and perhaps a bit nervous. "What are you saying, Logan? I thought this would just be a one-time thing. Like you said, neither of us wanted it to happen like this. You know I don't want to hurt Veronica. She's one of my best friends. If she ever finds out about this, about what happened between us …"

"She won't. I'll never tell if you won't. But, dammit," Logan added, his anger and frustration at the situation rising, "Last night was the best night of my entire goddamn life! How am I supposed to just put that behind me and move on? I can't just pretend that nothing happened when it did!" His tone softened as he looked at his erstwhile lover with searching eyes. "I don't want this to end. I don't want _us_ to end. And I think you don't, either."

The person on the other side of the bed took in a shaky breath, and with eyes closed against the realities of the world, replied "Oh God, Logan. Don't do this to me. I want this, but I don't _want_ to want this. I wish we could go back to yesterday before everything happened and just … stop it from happening. This never should have happened, Logan. You know that."

"But it did." Logan leaned forward until their lips were mere inches apart, and placed his hand on the silky smooth cheek of the person before him. "We can't take it back," he whispered as he leaned closer, their gazes locked together. "I don't _want_ to take it back." Finally he covered the last bit of distance, and their lips touched.

It was a soul-shattering, earth-rendering kiss that stole both their souls and made real-world considerations a thing of the past. There were no regrets, no consequences, no dangerous secrets that needed to be kept from prying eyes and wagging tongues. There was only the feel of each other, the _need_ for one another, and a passion that drove them together.

Not just their lips intertwined, their hands and bodies and souls followed suit, their very beings mixed into one entity for what seemed like an eternity, but was really only five minutes.

Unfortunately, before they could fully repeat their lascivious actions of the previous night and have a _true_ joining of their bodies and souls, there came a knock on the front door. The two broke away from their kiss, short of breath and slightly ashamed. They had been too engrossed in each other, to the point where they forgot all about the real world concerns that had been plaguing them ever since they finished reaching mutual ecstasy the night before. If anyone were to find out about their shameful, passionate secret, it would be the end for them. Friendships would be broken, lovers spurned, their happy, comfortable lives would be destroyed.

No one could ever know about the passionate night they had shared, or the potential relationship that might follow.

"What if it's Veronica?" Logan's overnight guest asked. "If she finds out …"

"She won't," Logan replied confidently. "I'll never tell her."

He donned a dark green robe and tied the sash about the waste. He made sure to close the door to his bedroom behind him before heading to the door to his suite. He stood for a moment, mentally preparing himself for the barrage of questions that would likely meet him from the short, spitfire blond he would likely find on the other side. After another knock met his ears, he took in a sharp breath, pulled his courage up around him like a shield, and opened the door all the way.

He stared in the amazement at the person on the other side of the door; it was definitely _not_ Veronica Mars that stood before him!

The new visitor waltzed right on into the suite without even waiting for permission. Logan just stared into the empty space of the hallway before turning around and staring at the person who had just entered.

"Mac?!" he exclaimed as he closed the door. Nervously, he saw her glance over at the door to his bedroom before she turned back to him with a grin on her face.

"Oh, come off it Logan," she told him. "I know everything that happened here last night. It was quite a show," she added with a chuckle.

Logan just stared at her, his face pale and his heartbeat slowed to a near standstill. Good God, if she knew their secret, it was only a matter of time before she told Veronica …

"Don't worry," she said, almost as though she had read his thoughts, "I'm not going to tell Veronica. Keeping the big secret is too much fun to resist."

When he finally managed to find his voice, which had disappeared along with his heartbeat amidst all the fears he had to face upon learning about Mac's knowledge of his current situation, he finally managed to eek out a single word, "How?"

"Simple, really. Veronica was suspicious of your recent behavior, so she asked me to set up some cameras that could track your every move. For the past two weeks there wasn't really anything interesting. All I found out was that your taste in porn really sucks." She made a face and stuck her tongue out with mock disgust. "But last night, all that changed." She shook her head and smirked at him. "Really, if you were going to do _that_ with _him_, I'd think you'd want to be a bit more, I don't know, _discreet_ about it? Rather than tearing off each other's clothes in the hallway before you even get into your room, I mean."

Logan's face suddenly appeared to be the color of a ripe tomato. "So, what do you want from me?" he finally managed to ask. "I mean, if you're here, that means you either already told Veronica and she's on her way, or else you want me to pay you off so that you _won't_ tell her what happened last night and with whom." Like a sleepwalking zombie, he walked towards where his checkbook lay on the coffee table. "How much do you want?" he asked. "Five thousand? Ten thousand?"

Before he could reach his destination, a hand grabbed his wrist and stopped him. He looked down, as though in a daze, and saw her eyes sparkling up at his.

"It's not money I want," she told him, her voice husky with desire. She reached a hand in between the folds of his robe, pressing her palm against his chest over his heart. She could feel his heartbeat through her fingers. "I want in on the action."

Logan blinked. "You want … what?"

Mac stifled a nervous giggle. "You know what I mean. A … threesome. Something kinky like that." Her hand moved lower and she undid the sash on his robe, leaving _every_ part on the front of his body open to her view. "I'm not the good girl everything believes me to be, you know. I have my secret side, too." A devilish grin formed on her lips. "Just like you two."

"So … you're saying you want to _join_ us?" he asked in disbelief.

"Just once," she told him. "It's not like I do this sort of thing every day. I just want to do this once, and then …" she leaned up and pressed her lips lightly against his, startling him. She didn't move to deepen the kiss, and neither did he; after a moment she stood back and watched for his reaction. "I give you my word that if you let me join in this once, I will never tell _anyone_ about this. Or about you and you-know-who. I'll take your secret with me to the grave."

Logan sucked in his breath and glanced towards the closed bedroom door. He had to wonder if his bed partner from last night had heard everything … and if that partner would agree to be the third party in what was sure to be a hot and wild threesome.

Sure enough, as if on cue, the bedroom doors opened, and out walked Wallace Fennel, naked as the day he was born and sporting a giant grin on his face.

"What are you two waiting for?" he asked pleasantly, already quite visibly _up_ for the challenge that was just now presenting itself to him. "Let's get it on!"

In the twelve hours of pleasure that ensued, or in the weeks and months later when the three reunited for their occasional secret trysts, none of them had any regrets whatsoever.

And all of them kept their shared secret until they lay—cold, dead, and unrecognizably decapitated at the hands of a serial killer attempting to revenge himself on Veronica Mars by killing off her friends one-by-one—in their shallow, unmarked graves.

* * *

A/N: So I'm thinking, I want to write some odd pairings. Anything except LoVe. Maybe some Dick/Veronica, a little Keith and Logan action, Lamb's ghost with just about anybody ... suggestions for the next pairing I should write are greatly appreciated! 


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